Have you ever covered up pain in ways that make no sense to others, but perfect sense to you?
Run. Struggle. Sleep. Repeat.
Those are the things I did to keep myself together. I did this in my first marriage. It didn’t work. I also applied this to my second marriage. Clearly, I didn’t learn what I needed the first time.
I shouldn’t have married an alcoholic. A man filled with his own regrets and failures that alcohol could not fix. A man who didn’t love me or my children. He said he was joking when he referred to my children as brats. But sarcasm contains a bit of truth.
This man had a habit of pinching his stomach every time he saw his reflection in the mirror. Unsatisfied with the life he was living, he turned his criticism towards me.
“You’re eating the entire avocado? You know, it contains a lot of fat,” he said.
With a few words, I knew what he meant. His words caused me to eat very little around him. A handful of peanuts, a banana, and a glass of water.
I told myself I was full.
We had an argument over our finances. He was angry about not being able to attend a race, because we couldn’t afford it.
He shouted, “Why should you even finish your master’s (English and creative writing)? You’re never going to use it, anyway!”
A couple of months after the argument
I had a dream.
I was driving a black pickup truck at a high speed. Suddenly, I slammed on the breaks and watched as my second husband’s body crashed through the front windshield and hit the asphalt with a thud.
He lay motionless. I came out of the truck and stood over his lifeless body and did absolutely nothing.
I woke up not crying and wondered why.
But, I knew.
For a time I stopped listening to what my heart had to say. I ignored the red flags and charged through them. When I turned away from the pleadings and the urgings of my heart, I chose to listen to a different voice. Guilt was her name and shame was her game. Why? Please read
I Said Never Woud I Ever…Until the Never Day Arrived
Dear Heart, do not settle. The Universe has better plans in store for you.
I always had a choice but chose not to rock the boat that was slowly sinking. Thankfully, the Universe interceded and turned things around for me even when I didn’t think I could change my course.
After writing this piece, I felt a wave of emotions flow through me. I’m grateful for the healing powers that writing does for my soul.
*First published on Medium.com / http://www.medium.com/@desireeharos